Redirection + Focus

Tonight I realized something very important... it happened as I was sitting in the dark, using the laser pointer with my two cats. 

Salvatore and Zen Kitty were zeroed in on the red dot flittering to and fro on the floor. They were focused and they were fierce.

I need a little of that focus. 
Or rather, perhaps I need to refocus.

When HE left a few weeks back (Omg... has it been a month already?) I found myself going through various stages of grief. Stage 1: I was completely shattered. I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and left out on Gray Hwy for the vultures to come and pick apart. But somehow.. that did NOT happen. I kept breathing... I was going  to go on a trip to Chicago - that got canceled. I was asked to sign the divorce papers. Boom. Boom. Boom. Just disappointment after disappointment. But I kept breathing.

Stage 2: (Which was probably Week 2,) I found myself laughing again. I had a friend over for margaritas (something I never thought I would ever be able to do, since I lived with a Muslim who did not allow alcohol in the house.) Yet I did it. I bought and fried bacon in my cast iron skillet. (Another luxury that was not allowed before.) I even went out and adopted two kittens. I did the things I needed to do. I reorganized the apartment, I reorganized my life.

And I kept breathing.

Stage 3: See if I can get back out there. Sooo.. I toyed with the idea of going on a few dates. I signed up for a dating website, flirted back and forth with at least 1/2 a dozen guys. Had a few phone calls, a few promises for dinner or coffee....  I was beginning to feel beautiful again. I was beginning to feel confident again... I was beginning to think THIS could be fun again...

Stage 4: Tonight. What in the hell am I doing? I deleted the dating site profile. I rearranged my closet. I rearranged the pantry. I went shopping for some "grooming" items: Foot bath wash - Foot exfoliate - Facial masks - hair color - new hair brush, etc. 

Something hit me...

I'm not ready for any of this. So I found that I stopped and I felt sad for just a moment. I have spent the past few weeks praying for HIM. Then suddenly, I get a text msg from him - and it was kind. It was closure. I found out, after all of the speculation, he is more than likely moving back to Egypt. There was no thing to get citizenship. There was no other woman. He just feels like he just did not fit in here: with my life, with his life - with any of it. The man I fell in love with is lost. He needs to go home and re-gather himself. 

We actually talked on the phone this evening. Even though it was just for a few minutes. It was kind. There was forgiveness on both ends. At the end of the day... it was just too much and we were just too different. 

 I've been feeling a little like this bird for the past 6 years. Trying to do my thing and keep someone else afloat, but all the while... who was holding me up? I know the answer to that question... it was God. No doubt in my mind. You may say it is the universe or some random law of this or that... whatever it is.. that power that keeps us all going every day had my back.

There were some prayers answered this week.. and I think as I move into Stage 5 and refocus my attention on someone who has needed me all along (umm.. the answer to this riddle is.. ME) I needed these prayers to come to fruition. I got a raise. My ex (for whom I have loved dearly) has given me closure, and I know now.. without one shadow of a doubt, I'm not where I would like to be physically and emotionally to allow someone else in.. not yet at least. I need to regroup.. refocus.

I still have some places I need to go all by myself.

 Then.. and only then... the door will open as it always had. So this last chapter, this last decade, with my Egyptian King is over... there are new lands to discover, new wild and crazy adventures to begin.. and I am sure... the right door with lead me to the right partner for life.

Things I Have Learned This Week

This week was FULL of lessons...

1. I clearly have issues with being locked in movie theater seats. I want to be able to jet out if I need to. 

2. Late night movies = Nicole dozing off. Uh oh... sign I am getting OLD.

Movies with old friends from High School. The Great Gatsby was really good! We caught the 10pm movie and left about midnight. I was sleeeeeepy. LOL

3. The pain is there. It is. Only when I stop to think about it, I feel sad. But I am able to recover quickly. I do miss him. But I am happy to be moving on. Bitter sweet, you know?

4. I crave naps. Is this a 40 year old thing?

5. I am totally into spring/summer skirts. 

6. Citrus scents seems to be my signature scent this year. I go through phases. Last year it was "spa." The year before was "fresh linen." 

7. I have become addicted to oranges. New thing for me.

8. Dating sites - Ha! Oh... this piece is fun. I joined one for fun... just to see if I could get a few dinners and just see what it is all like out there again. I crack up when I read a man's profile: I am looking for a beautiful, fit, intelligent, independent woman who is not looking for a relationship. Ha! Then you look at their profile and they are this bald billy bob chubby bubba with a high school education. Lord. Have. Mercy.

9. Cats. Are supposed to be independent. My cats? needy - needy - needy.

I sit on this side of the couch and he blocks my ability to stretch out!

Or they BOTH block my ability to stretch out.

Or he literally hugs my leg. ;-)

10. Most of my friends are going through CRAZY custody battles. At least 4 people I know are in the middle of crazy court battles. WOW. You guys keep my eyes open! (PS - Makes for fascinating stories!)

11. Not a fan of the iced coffee from Keurig. I think Starbucks will keep the crown on this.

12.  My garden is growing quite nicely! Peppers are sprouting, jasmine is blooming - and I am feeling like it has healed my soul!

My instacollage I made!

13. I took stock of my one year at the Museum. Here is just a look at the promotions I accomplished in print, not including all of the broadcasting opportunities! A think it was a job well done! There were several national, regional and local placements!

14. Mother's Day went well... clearly my dad was invested. He decided to relax in my study while I entertained the ladies. ;-)

 15. I got a fantastic gift from my wildly talented friend, Shannon! To help me celebrate my "new" last name - she sent me a new business card holder (for my NEW name on my cards) and a tumbler with my full name initials. 

 

16. Kitty Claws. Little kittens come at you claws out. O.M.W.

  17.

Was good to see some old friends last weekend!

 18. I'm sick of celebrity reporters and producers giving couples nick names. No more Brangelina. No more Bennifer.

Blech.. Blech.. Blech.

19. You know.. there are several people in my family on both sides that have suffered from and died from ovarian cancer. I had some issues with cervical. Soooo... with all of this talk of Angelina's preventative measures... should I get tested for the BRCA gene test? I had a hysterectomy but left my ovaries. Hmmm...

20. Finally.... WOW. A week feeling mostly good. :-)

What to Write?

I'm sitting here trying to decide what to write about.

I was skimming the past week's blog entries and I realized everything was so superficial. Blah blah blah.

I think in this next transition I have a choice, I can give you the high points, or the low points. Trust me, there are low points, but I don't feel the need to open up quite that much online about how vulnerable I feel. 

Which is completely true.

I feel vulnerable.

I am more sensitive.

I am more cautious.

I think this is normal. I realize that this too shall pass, but for now, it's real and it's happening. 

It happens when I pray. It happens when I slow down long enough to allow my thoughts to catch up with me. I'm a solver, and when I stop long enough to quit solving the problem, my more vulnerable side rears its ugly head.

BUT.. I am feeling more happiness than usual. That piece has tilted a little more on the scale, a little more in my favor. Before it was sadness on the heavy side, and happiness from time to time. Now it's happiness on the heavy side and sadness from time to time.

I'm handling it all. I'm doing the best I can. 


With all of that being said, and really nothing at ALL being said.. I will close. 

That's just where I am..;-)

 

Taking Stock

It's easy to go up and down when SO many life changes have taken place. You would think I was trying my best to live up to my blog title!

As I was napping with my two kitty cats (yes, they actually lay all around me/on me and we sleep together,) I woke up and began thinking about how different my life is now. I was trying to imagine just one year ago. Where was I one year ago? The beauty is, I can answer that question, because I document it all here. Funny thing is, I wrote a piece called Why I Love Macon. Then I realized where was I at my last birthday? Which would have been only a few months before the "Why I Love Macon" post. I skipped back to February 2012 and.. well.. CLICK HERE. I was unemployed. My then husband lived in Los Angeles and I was sleeping on a couch.

Look what has happened in just 15 months.

My life has completely flipped upside down.

But I think that whole journey... that whole process.. was fate and completely a part of my story. Yes, I have lost so much in the past two years, but I have also gained opportunity, something that seemed out of reach for so long. The sun is peeking through the clouds, I'm jovial and silly, and all thanks be to God - I have hope.

Where are you at these days?

Best Bet

What is better than getting off work, going to the grocery store and walking out with the one thing you want? Nothing.

What I mean by this - I wanted salsa for dinner.

Now I have salsa and chips. Done.

I'd don't have to cook for anyone.

It's awesome!.

I don't think divorce was supposed to be this much fun?!

To be honest, the only time I get a little choked up is when I pray. It's not so much a prayer of sadness or loneliness, it is more so when I pray for him. I do. I pray for people who have wronged me, and it hurts to think of what I put up with. 

Outside of that, I'm doing pretty darn good. I'm busy at work, busy with the kitties, busy with my "other activities"... everything.

I have a busy weekend lined up - I have to work Saturday and Sunday we celebrate the museum founder's 80th birthday. Busy. Busy. Busy.

I was even asked out on a date, but I don't think I am ready for that. Not sure how that would work.. and honestly, I don't think we have too much in common. When he said, "I mean.. anyone who votes for Obama is an idiot..." well.. all I could do was giggle. Yep. 

There you have it. A southern girl surrounded by conservative billy bobs. Not off to a good start. lol

No worries.. I have a wonderful book calling my name... good friends just a phone call away and a bed just screaming for me to get some sleep!