I am having a really hard week. Hard month. Hard year.. heck - a hard 10 years.
I get up every morning, and I really, really try to be the best me I can be. I try to be authentic, which unfortunately may not be what another person wants.
Over a decade ago, you tested me with the cancerous cells. I hung in there and I did everything I thought was right.. and had to go it alone. I was married to an absentee husband and ended up tackling some of the biggest decisions of my life without so much as a real support system.
I took away my right to ever have children, in order to save my own life. I have since seen several family members die - by not catching that disease early enough. All from the same source.
I then hung on to a marriage that was far from perfect. I thought it was the right thing to do. I tried my best to make a happy life for myself. I surrounded myself with beautiful things, adorable animals, and interesting exchange students.
I moved to Alabama - just to save a marriage, that eventually fell apart.
I met a man that I thought would answer my prayers for kindness and love. Just something to call my own.
I found a job that I thought would be everything I was looking for - fighting for a cause I believed in, and doing what I do best.
But God - I feel like I am failing.. again. I get so tired of trying to be strong. I don't have that something or someone I can depend on and trust 24/7. All I have is you - what feels like a quiet observer.
I know you will not let me fail, and I know that everything happens according to plan...
But I need a break.
I just think I have been through enough for a while.
I just want to experience a bit of joy.
I have to admit - it's all gone. Any joy I find is by way of a few fun conversations with a few friends that go off to their happy lives and safe havens.
I sit here - alone. Alone in ways I cannot describe.
I just need a break. A way to recover my spirit and find some sort of joy in the 2nd quarter of life.
Please bless my family and friends... continue to protect them and guide them according to your will.
Help me find my purpose, and help me find a safe place to rest my heart.